I Love You...ahemmmmmm...Me!

How often do you say I love you?  How often do you say I love you to yourself?  With awareness to what feelings arise I read the second question again?  Yikes!  I have to work at cultivating self love. Especially when I find myself enveloped by darkness (a pity party). A party where I question everything about myself and find myself reaching out for validation. I usually find myself acting in this way when I am tired, in an unconscious place, or the sun has been hidden for days.  Sometimes the party extends past party lines where I find myself saying hurtful things to people I love most - this includes myself. Mrs. Critical rears her ugly head and steps on compassion.

It sometimes feels like I am caught in the current of life.  I struggle to breath as it takes me under.  I reach out for a rope, a twig a vine ANYTHING to hold on to. I find when I do not surrender and struggle to control the current I hit the bottom. When I'm scared I rely on someone from my support network to pull me out.  I count on, almost thrive on validation from others.  I feel so lucky so fortunate to have amazing people in my life.  At any given time, even 3am, I could reach out to someone who loves me.  Then WHY the pity party...WHY the darkness?  I struggle with self validation, self compassion.  At the point that I hit the bottom I let fear take over, consume me.  I almost wait at the bottom for an external force to save me.  For someone to prove that I am WORTH it.  The failures in my life are the sharp rocks at the bottom they scrape, poke, cause me to stumble but they aren't what ends it.  It's the culmination of the current, the water, the rocks and ultimately giving up, not to be confused with surrendering.

I read this statement from the universe...Do you really need someone else's validation, permission, acceptance, wink or nod? OR are you ready to give this to yourself? Ready GO...

I wrote a couple weeks ago about a peak pose I was "working" on.  Well if I am fully disclosing, opening myself to vulnerability, I learned a hard lesson on the mat this week.  I learned that if I don't practice said peak pose then I have an excuse..here enters pride.  So I put on my big girl panties and began the work.  Here enters the real culprit FEAR.  I can do said peak pose with a crutch.  When I move away from the crutch I am unable to sustain the pose. Here enters pride and fear.  I walked to the edge of the cliff, I so often reference, and pushed further. AHA...peak pose was held for mere seconds but what happens next isn't pretty. I immediately came down and walked off the mat.  Not because a kid was crying or because I had somewhere to be but because I let fear and pride tell me I was done..."i could have hurt myself doing that" says fear...."a few seconds - you tried"says pride.  What am I denying myself by not living fully, by letting fear and pride rule the roost?  What am I repudiating by not giving myself permission, acceptance, compassion...heck...LOVE?

Let me be clear, I am not saying we should swim alone, never reach out.  I remember a saying "you must love yourself fully in order to fully love others" Sadly, I don't remember who the author of that was but it resonates. My work will be self compassion coupled with self acceptance...self validation and LOVE.

The PATH

" The path to transformation involves many small steps. Experience each one as meaningful"

~Ruth Lauer-Maneti

She goes on to say...often times when you eat an entire plate of food you are full.  It wasn't just the last bite that made you full.  It was the culmination of all your bites.  If you had taken just one bite you'd still be hungry.  This is similar to a yoga practice. It's not just one practice, one experience, or one insight that fills you with understanding, flexibility or overall transformation it is each step along the way. A culmination of all of your experiences over the years.

My inspiration this week is being drawn from a beginners lens.  Getting "unstuck" by breaking free from habitual patterns (samskara). Encouraging myself to do something out of the ordinary.  Stepping out of my pragmatic mind to detach from the mental clutter.  Imagine the possibilities. Can I create space for answers? Can I open to insight? Can I allow that same space to become more expansive yielding the light, joy and overall since of liberation!

Are you a student or a teacher?

I'm typing away at my computer "working" ok so I was reading a blog when I was distracted by what I saw.  My youngest daughter has a piece of paper on the couch and is water color painting.  My first reaction was to get upset.  I took a breath and sat with it for a minute.  The outcome was unexpected...I found joy in watching her concentration and pure joy for what she was doing.  I asked her if I could move her picture to the easel that was right behind the couch.  She said " yes please mommy, I couldn't find the clip to make it stay".  Another pleasant surprise, she wanted to do the right thing by painting on her easel - she also wanted to do the right thing by not interrupting me while I was working so she improvised. I simply explained why painting on the couch might end in paint ON the couch.  Before I continued to rant I started really looking at her picture.  I saw love transformed onto the page.  She was working on the same picture from yesterday that her and her friend sweetly painted together in unison.  I commented on how amazing her work was and she simply said, "Thank you, if I want to be an artist I have to practice and put love into it".  She is listening!  She is also teaching me by the simple act of honing a craft she truly loves and enjoys.

What am I missing by feeling the constant need to teach and guide her?  What am I falsely accusing my kiddos of by not stopping...being present...observing, softening to what they might teach me or confirm that what I am teaching them is being absorbed? Do I practice honing this craft of yoga which I dearly love and enjoy?  This week I will hold space and soften before reacting.  I will hit the mat and hone my craft. I will wear my student and teacher glasses...

Bring it on...

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Thank you Rumi!  This week i am letting Rumi inspire my self rationalization.  What does that even mean you ask?  When I wake up with a pep in my step I celebrate the good mood.  I welcome happiness with open arms no qustions asked.  I don't try to talk myself out of happiness or beat myself up because I feel joy. When I encounter mad, sad, angry even welled up inside fire about to unleash I instantly insert self defeating dialogue.  Why can't you just be happy.  BECAUSE we must invite each of our feelings in, hold space for them, see them for what they are - a teacher.  I say bring it on...